Between beauty and ugly, between breathtaking and choking, between silly laughters and deep thoughts, between the freed and cynical, between life and death, between the earth the sky the sea, between you, me and God. I thread that line.
Joy lasts, through sadness and tears.
The world through my tiny eyes
There’s just a lot going on right now. A lot of negative stuff. This week in general was just bad. And it just ended with a big BANG, as in a shot in the head. It was just one bad news after another, and bad feelings and bad shit. Just plain bad.
I don’t want to say much. Maybe i just don’t know what to say any more. It’s all very strange to me, all the emotions i’m feeling. Like how i’ve given up completely on myself, found myself to be a strange creature that i never knew, how i’ve been brought to a point of extreme exhilaration and then thrown into the abyss of nothingness, how i’ve been misunderstood, misinterpreted and ridiculed for God knows why and what. Nothing made sense this week.
It’s the kind of week you have that’s like a patch of black stain on a white dress. It just stands out on its own, completely irrelevant to the design of your life. Though a small spot, it spoils the dress. You just can’t take your eyes off it and you desperately want to rub it off.
I find myself at a place where i’m deciding if i should just fall into depression or not. That’s right, i’m deciding, i really don’t know how you decide such things, but i am. At least there’s something to define this moment in my life. Just wondering.
Where is all this going really? Sometimes it feels like i’m going nowhere. But God knows where. For some strange reason, i still feel completely assured that my future is in His hand, despite the current tides in my life.
I really don’t know what to do right now. I don’t know what to feel. It’s as if i can decide what to feel or whether to feel at all. I’ve somehow found a way to numb my feelings and sort out my thoughts before I actually choose to feel.
I say I need time to think, but really, i’m too afraid to do anything. I’m just sitting there, hoping for some sort of miracle that it will all work out on it’s own.